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#Restaurant #epic #fail

With all due respect to the comedy of Jeff Foxworthy and his classic riffs on “You might be a redneck if…” - I’m helping myself to a new theme that is a little closer to home –

 “You might be a #restaurant #epic #fail if…”

  • Lights or letters in your outside signage are broken for weeks on end
  • Without speaking a word of greeting, your host turns heel, grabs menus proceeds across the room and exasperatingly gesticulates for the guests to “get-a-move-on-it”
  • You serve any “food” item that rests on a coagulating pool of iridescent orange grease
  • The servers use oven mitts to deliver hot plates and the mitts look like they have just come from a farm and were used during delivery of breeched calves
  • You commence uninterrupted power vacuuming of the entire dining area at 6PM oblivious to the dining guests outright rejection of the undertaking
  • Your “seasonal” Christmas decorations are up in July and/or your Fourth of July decorations are up in December
  • You undermine parental responsibilities by pushing soda pop sales on children who are clearly satisfied with water or milk
  • Your uniforms indicate in any way, shape or form that the servers are prepared to clean a carwash or change engine oil
  • When hope is fading for distraught parents who are trying to survive a toddler’s semi-meltdown and inquire if you have some crackers to stem the tide – you say “Sure, but I’ll have ta charge ya…”
  • Your training is so thorough that when an item is ordered off your printed menu the server’s response is to throw a sideways glance at the guest, snap their gum and challenge back with a “We have that…?”
  • Your manager’s “back up” of the service staff includes tossing a stack of napkins toward the six year old at a table with four adults to meet the simple request of a few more
  • You have more unbussed tables than you have tables
  • It seems oddly alien, foreign and very weird in your culture to do a table/guest check-back
  • You would rather have an impacted molar pulled out with rusty pliers by a tweeker than say “thank you” to your customers
  • Your bathroom looks or smells like the apocalypse
  • The knowledge you possess in regards to guest expectations/satisfaction could be contained within a thimble
  • Your parking lot is empty when your competitors is full
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